deeper_than_shit's Xanga

She's baaaack....for now

Wed, 25 Jul 2007 00:03:41 GMT

So here’s the deal…

I wasn’t really gonna write in my Xanga anymore. But obviously, I’ve changed my mind. I kind of liked it the way it was, and decided it should stay that way, preserved with billions of other blogs and websites on the internet possibly forever only to be dug up years after my death. People of course will be looking for artifacts of my life because I’ll be famous. Then they would read about that magical couple of years in which I graduated High School and started college.

But the thing is I’m going to school for writing now, which is embarrassing to admit while blogging. But, if you’re wondering what makes me think I can write then quit reading my Xanga…fucker. So- if you go to school for writing, it’s probably a good idea to stay in practice. The thing is, there’s no discipline for me in journaling, I pretty much half-ass it, and that’s when I actually get around to doing it. The fact that this is on the internet forces me to at least attempt to form coherent sentences.

So you understand what I’m talking about here’s an example from my journal:

FU?CKING Q?UEST?ION???MAR?KS

That phrase was actually covered in the question marks but you get the idea, I actually just came across another entry from a while ago that I want to include…it’s an “I Remember”

I remember-

-Sleeping in Katie Z’s parents’ bed

-Eating junk food with Kaylin

-Shopping with Dad’s credit card

-Cornelius the chicken

-Devin’s dad’s Porsche

-Walks through Timberline

-Lindsey’s computer

-Sarah fishing

-Erin’s heated floor

-hoodies

-Opening night, TGIF

Kind of gay, but ya know.

I finished my first year at Columbia, and while there I managed not to chop my hair off, start smoking, or spend my whole paycheck on accessories. Others weren’t so lucky. It was cool, though, for the most part. There were definitely days that I thought to myself, “There are much cooler things I could be doing with this amount of money. But I guess the government isn’t as willing to hand out loans for jet packs as they are for education.

And Jeanine and I have been roomies for coming up on a year now. I guess I don’t have too many crazy apartment stories, but we had some good parties and we’ve held each other tenderly in our sleep like half of the time. There’s nothing quite like spooning in our onesies.

I was hanging out with my brother Nick over the weekend, and he’s 15, but I might just have more fun hanging out with him than anyone else. Does that make Nick super cool, or me super immature?…..POO! HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!! Anyway, he turns 16 in September and he’ll be driving. Shelly and I started discussing how when you start out with a car you end up in a lot of accidents, cut to-

A week prior I was looking at Jefrey and it seemed as though a truck had backed up into him. He was looking a little mashed up on his hood. I was a little bewildered, and I drive to work every day where I end up parallel parking, I decided it was possible someone with a truck just misjudged his room and I pretty much forgot about it.

Shelly started laughing at me because of my infamously shakey first couple years of driving, and I said,

“Hey, you learned to drive in that car and contributed to the dents.” Shelly’s friend Derek laughed and said,

“Like when you hit her car last week!” For a moment I kind of laughed, I’m a little slow, then I noticed an uncharacteristic look of guilt and worry on Shelly’s face.

Oh yeah, my sister drives a truck.

You know, I think I’m becoming bitter in my old age. I’m 21 now, so I figure from here on out I’m pretty much dying, and maybe that’s a good way to look at life. Whenever I want to do something irresponsible I remind myself, “I could die tomorrow.” Anyway, my bitterness towards most things makes me like the things I do like even more. I really like my family, I wasn’t even upset about the car thing, I mostly just thought it was funny. And oh god do I ever miss Louis, especially after looking at that picture of us plastic wrapped together.

Thus concludes my first entry in some time, hopefully many will follow... I mean hopefully for you, the readers, I get to walk around with this gold in my head all day.

Friday, January 20, 2006

Fri, 20 Jan 2006 18:15:41 GMT

Hey everyone, I’ve really been neglecting my xanga. If you’ve noticed, I apologize. I apologize for the fact that you need to get a life. I’m just kidding, I don’t have a life either.

Anyway, I just wanted to make a list of my favorite song titles:

Stinkfist- Tool

Hooker with a Penis- Tool

Pushit- Tool

Bottom- Tool

Prison Sex- Tool

Jerk-off-Tool

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Tue, 03 Jan 2006 17:56:49 GMT

These are a few of my favorite 2005 things:

-The time I wrote, in my Xanga about that salad dressing commercial with that cretin in it. Oh man, I must have read that twice!

-When I wrote about my Xanga having a birthday that was so funny of me!

-When I spelled Zanga with a “Z,” wait! That was 2006!

-When I drew a picture depicting Sarah’s laptop being stolen. I can’t believe how creative I get sometimes.

-Computer check.

-Ok, seriously

- Our new years party = totally sweet, before 2006 we played twister. Always a good time

-Christmas eve eve!

- Getting in touch with my black roots, in Ireland

- Ok, I know Kaylin fell recently, I can’t remember the circumstances, but I know it was really funny

-Riley!

Quotations

“That movie just made me wonder if every guy I know is gay, and it made me want to beat on pansies.” -Monica

“Gettin’ loose” –Kaylin

“I puked on my thong” -Anonymous

This is boring, I'll finish it later.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Wed, 09 Nov 2005 02:38:39 GMT

When I heard what happened to Sarah today, I knew the only way to express my true feeling about the incident, was to draw a picture. I think it says more than pure text could:

As you can see, I remembered to add Lindsey after the picture was finished, and you can only hit "undo" so many times.

Anyway, as I was posting this, I remembered another picture I made, mimicking another event in my life.

Shelly was rollerblading out front. I guess she was so wrapped up in what she was doing, that when a fat girl went driving by, she almost forgot to insult her. So she ended up having to chase her down the block, yelling, "Fat!"

check out that entry! screw typing!

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Wed, 19 Oct 2005 04:18:25 GMT

I love….

Smiles, dancing for no reason, tea with a stranger, umbrellas, a warm hug from an old friend, song lyrics you feel like you wrote, pretending to be deep, sweaters, my favorite pair of jeans, notebooks, your smell, travel, candy corn, AIM conversations that go on all night, the sound of a brief moment when no one but you is listening, the fact that no one understands me, friends…just friends, coloring OUTSIDE the lines, geeky boys, autumn- and calling it that (fall isn’t pretentious enough), stealing a minute for me and you, running through the rain, a warm smile, gouging your eyes out with my giant clitoris, and teddy bears

Ok, don’t get upset, I’m seriously going to update for real soon….Kaylin.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Wed, 24 Aug 2005 03:59:36 GMT

What a draaaag it iiis getting old!

Get old, or die young, those are your two options. One of them will happen to you, because it’s happened to everyone else, in the history of ever. The Rolling Stones are old now. And they are FUCKING old!

I really like the Rolling Stones. Not to be confused with Aerosmithe. When people say they don’t like the Rolling Stones, they’re usually wrong.

Is it considered uncool to like the Rolling Stones? I’m not sure. But I know I know people who are concerned about seeming uncool. But if you know me, then in all likelihood, you know people who play RPG’s. And if that’s the case, why would you ever be concerned with seeming uncool?

Today we moved my grama out of her house. It was weird that I was in that house for the last time ever today. I practically grew up there. Scratch that, I did grow up there. She bought a new hamper. Whenever we played hide and seek we used to hide in the hamper. We got yelled at for it, every time. But someone always hid in there. Someone would be counting, and you’d either hide in the hamper, or open it and see that someone else was already hiding in there. We always felt clever by hiding in there. And it was a good hiding place…the first time! Kids are so fucking stupid.

Anyway, we’re all gonna get old or die young. Unfortunately, if you get old, you still die. This was under discussion when we first tried to pawn off some of my grama’s old junk to each other in June. There was a Wayne Gretski (sp?) poster, he had a bloody nose. That got tossed out. It didn’t occur to me at the time that it would have been a nice present for Jim, so he could assimilate to Canadian culture. So, Shelly made the point as we pulled up to the house-

“This is how it happens, Elyse, this is the first step. They move into the smaller places and then it’s only a matter of time before they die.”

“Grama will never die.”

I didn’t want to admit that she was completely right. I may be very different from my sister in a lot of ways, but we’re both very pointe blank in a funny sort of way, and we both have a very morbid sense of humor.

I started school again this week. It was weird not being of the youngest bunch at Moraine. I’ve been trying to remember my first day of sophomore year, and cannot for the life of me. I do remember the first day of my freshman year. Sam was wearing skin tight leopard pants. For serious.

OH MY GOD! I think I just remembered the first day. Unless it was the second day. It was one of the two. It was the first and only time I ever talked to that Steinhouse girl. We happened to be wearing the same pants. So, I commented, “Nice pants.” She SNEERED at me! I don’t know, maybe I said it a little weird. I was still pretty awkward at that point. Later, however, when Mr. Hill (the physics teacher) commented, I gave a friendly laugh, and she sat there with NO REACTION!

Anyway, last year was the funnest year ever, and I hope this year is even funner. I only have two classes I have to go to. The other two are internet classes. Which is like class, only with a lot more porn. Not really. But, I can go to class naked if I want to, kind of.

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Sun, 17 Jul 2005 23:51:41 GMT

Hi deeper_than_shit! It's been 478 (wow, that's a big number) days since you joined Xanga... won't you support us by going Permium?

Hahaha…Fuck no.

So there’s this Hidden Valley Ranch commercial, where they talk to regular people about the taste of Hidden Valley Ranch. Rarely does someone on TV offend me. But this one woman they talked to had growth on her face. Does anyone know what I’m talking about? What the fuck is that thing?? Maybe I should try getting a job at Hidden Valley Ranch, or at least to convince them to get someone else to do their marketing. Because they don’t seem to understand that after looking at some weird lady with a growth on her face NO ONE wants to eat ranch dressing. What made them look at the footage and decide to put that lady in the commercial?? Maybe they thought she looked like she really enjoyed the dressing. I mean, I’ll bet she did. When you have growth on your face like that, and apparently don’t have the means to get it removed, some salad dressing would probably be a highlight in your day.

I remember the former head of the CCD I was forced into volunteering at had a mole on her eyelid. It was all I could look at when I talked to her. She would blink excessively, drawing even more attention to it. I would wonder if the weight of the mole would bring the lid down more often. I also wondered if being Italian would give you more moles.

Shelly bought a big fish tank. There’s a little shark in there named “Norman.” She said I could buy a fish to live in there as well, and I’m going to name him.

One time my great grandma bought me a goldfish. I named it “Henry” after her. Henry died two weeks later. I thought maybe I had cursed my grandma, I was wrong! She lived several more years. I guess what we can always say in the end is, she beat the goldfish.

I’M GOING TO LOLLAPULOOZA!

I’m excited to see The Pixies again, as well as The Weezers. I think during their set I’ll boo every song off their last three albums.

So Dan and I went to a water park, we were hanging out in the wave pool and having a good time. All of a sudden, DISTRESS!! I turn as I hear “HEEEAAALP! HEEEAALP MEEE! SOMEBODY PAHLEESE!” A huge black woman was in the wave pool a little deeper than she was apparently comfortable with. She was yelling in our direction. Dan took her arm and pulled her into more shallow water. She didn’t thank him. I had to swim away, I was laughing too hard.

I’m pretty bored. No one is around tonight, and it’s almost 8pm. I have nothing to do. Although, I DO have the first season of The Kids in the Hall on DVD. So far it’s everything I hoped for. I’m still bored though. Here’s a list.

THINGS I FIND FUNNY

-People taking elaborate falls

-Manginas

-Computer Checking

-The deaf anchor woman on ABC 7 news

-Ben Stiller

-Putting Ben Stiller on a “things I find funny” list

-The “I’m a cat” Kids in the Hall sketch

-awkward moments, and making them more awkward

-me

-fat ladies

-fat ladies at the beach

-my sister when she sees fat ladies

-crotch rockets

-Helen Keller (of course)

More on that later.

Has anyone seen In America? What did you think? I’m obsessed. I’m making people come over, watch it with me and cry sometime this week. In the movie they see E.T. Which is another movie that makes me cry. Especially when it looks like E.T. is going to die, because the flowers are dying and they start using those heart paddle things, and I can’t remember what they’re called, and Gurty starts crying. I love E.T.

Saturday, July 09, 2005

Sat, 09 Jul 2005 21:04:19 GMT

I AM AWARE I have written about Harry and the Henderson’s in this thing before. But it was on today, and I think I speak for everyone when I say, I wish I had a Bigfoot.

Speaking of movies, I wanted to make a list of my all time favorite movie moments. But I can’t remember what they were anymore. I do remember that one of my favorites comes from Silence of the Lambs. It reminds me of when I get ready with the girls before we go out. It’s the scene where Buffalo Bill gets dressed up in front of a camera. Sometimes we listen to the song he does. And we always say, “I’d fuck me.” In the end, few things are funnier than a mangina.

So I went to Ireland. It was cool. Me and this asshole went. She says she’s a friend of mine, I don’t fucking know. Anyway, Judy and I had a really good time. I might post some pictures on my pictures site sometime soon. Maybe today. (GASP!)

The first night in Dublin Monica and I made a prediction from long ago come true, and went clubbing together. We forgot to crush on the same guy, though. However, some other guy tried to force his way into our hostile that night with Monica’s mom. When we got back to the room, Stephanie was waiting, armed with a curling iron. I’m guessing it wasn’t plugged in, which makes it the dumbest weapon ever.

There was a lot of other cool shit in Ireland, and other than the food, I loved it. I think the funniest moment was in Dublin when we watched several people shamelessly shoplift without any attempt to cover what they were doing. If you want to hear more about the trip, you can ask me. I’m sure I won’t feel like telling you.

The other night I caught the beginning of Conan O’Brien and he said they brought back the Walker Texas Ranger lever. When I turned it on I had actually been wishing it was still part of the show. I was floored. When I watched the next night, the lever was gone, along with my dreams.

Although if that curling iron had been plugged in, I guess that would’ve been pretty cool. “Nice hair, but it looks like you could use some bounce!” and the bad guy would be like, “Whuu?” BUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRN! RIGHT ON THE FACE! Then the guy is freaking out because of the burn, that’s when- HAIRSPRAY, RIGHT IN THE EYES! While he’s stumbling around blindly I guess she could have thought of a catchphrase to really zing him with. I think “Take a hike, Nancy-boy” would do the trick. Although, it would be better to have a pun involved in some way.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Wed, 01 Jun 2005 21:02:16 GMT

Sometimes I don’t pay attention when I drive. I’m sure none of you have noticed this before, but sometimes, sistah’s gotta rock out. Jefrey (The one “F” is intentional, only you didn’t know that because you’re an asshole) understands. And sometimes he meets the curb and sparks fly.

A week or so ago I was accidentally stopped on railroad tracks, I think you can guess why (refer to the last paragraph). Someday I’ll make a top ten list of fears, being buried alive would be one of them. I also don’t like big, dark public restrooms. Close to the number one slot would be trains. Up until recently I wasn’t sure why. http://www.oli.org/for_teachers/oli_cdrom/david.html

Anyhow, I think it’s time for me to stop wearing seatbelts.

HAHA! Remember that one bitch who wouldn’t wear seatbelts? Lizzilla? I do.

Well, I finished my first year of college, and I’m none the wiser. Amen. It’s been a good year, probably the best year so far. I hope summer will live up, so far, it’s doing just that. In other words, the party’s just begun. Speaking of parties, Jeanine had one the other day. She hadn’t planned on about thirty people showing up. The next day I guess some lady drove by saw her dad and said, “Nice party last night.” Which begs the question- “why do old people suck so much?” When we grow up are we all destined to turn into total squares, or when young were these old people all like those friends who would go home because they “think this is a bad idea”?

I’ll probably have a lot of get-togethers at Senor Duck’s this summer. (Senor Duck is my dad). Watch out though, if the man is around, he just might think a career in brick-laying is the one for you. Also, Dan is rounding up friends of his for a “case of beer in a day” party. The title speaks for itself. A few things come to mind when thinking of this party. One is “good idea” another is “what ambition.” Sarcasm aside, I’m looking very forward to it.

Anyway, I have to get going, so I’ll just finish up with the following:

I have never seen cats wearing pajamas.

Pudding has never proved anything.

Bees knees have never, to my knowledge, been trendy. (heheheee bee knees)

And unless you’ve tried, how do you know it’s easy to shoot fish in a barrel, sir??

Thursday, March 31, 2005

Thu, 31 Mar 2005 06:48:05 GMT

Woah, I’m just cranking out these entries. If you’re reading this, you might think I’m funny. However, I can guarantee you don’t think I’m nearly as funny as I do. I laugh harder and longer (hehe) at my jokes, with the possible exception of Monica, than anyone.

It’s kind of a problem at school. Last week, this girl (Katie!) in my match class and I were talking about book checking freshmen. I was never that mean, I usually just threw pennies, actually on the first day of my junior year I brought a sandwich bag full of pennies to school. Everyone could tell where I’d been that day. Anyway, the idea of yelling, “BOOK CHECK!” and knocking books out of an awkward youth’s hands (for amusement and to ease the pain of once, also, being an awkward you) is still very funny.

I walked off thinking of how funny book checking is, when I saw a woman wheeling a fancy flat-screened computer down the hall on a table. I had the instant urge to yell “COMPUTER CHECK!” and knock the computer off the table, and walk off laughing like an asshole, hopefully high-fiving people.

I thought it was so funny I couldn’t contain my laughter, and poorly concealed that I was laughing my whole way to class, as I walked BY MYSELF. When I got to class I had to cover my face, and put my head down, I even resorted to the classic-“look through my book bag.”

The other day a similar incident occurred as I was in history class and the teacher started talking about the 3/5ths compromise. A black girl was seated in front of me, and I thought of how funny it would be to tap her to get her attention. Then when she turned around, I would give her a smug smile (the kind without showing your teeth) and fold my arms, leaning back in my chair. Maybe I would give her a little nod as well. This isn’t to say I’m racist, just that I think the 3/5ths compromise is funny, and that I often fantasize about being an asshole.

I’ll have to say, Moraine’s a pretty good time…but that is the issue, time. I can’t be bothered to walk though hallways to get from class to class, building to building. I knew there had to be a better way, that’s when I saw it zip past me one day. The answer is of course, motorized wheel chairs.

At first I cursed God for not paralyzing me…yet. Then I thought, if I were paralyzed I would be subject to my own jokes. So the solution is quite simple, hitch a ride on the backs of chairs.

I guess I don’t really plan on doing that, or mind walking around. I just really like the idea of talking to someone, and as I hear the buzz of an approaching chair saying, “Oh, that’s my ride, got to get to class.” Then I would just hop on as the chair was still in motion. The cripple would be none the wiser.

….And now some food for thought: I often think how glad I am that I’m not paralyzed. You reading this are also not paralyzed, at least I hope not. Anyway, it could still happen, at any time. Weird. This is something I used to think about a lot, the song “the ballad of a paralyzed citizen” by the faint fit my feelings perfectly.